Saturday, October 3, 2009

Kittee: A Portrait of Her Stoves

Kittee: A Portrait of Her Stoves
Part I of a Multi-Part Series

By Dazee
MoFo Legal Affairs Correspondent

For years, MoFo has wanted to sit down with Cake Maker to the Stars' Kittee and talk with her about the important things in life – the love and the laughter. Well, that didn't exactly happen when we spoke earlier today. She was cooking a huge dinner of chard- and beet-green saag, brown rice, roasted beets, roasted garlic, and masur dal, and that's it. This involved sorting through a half-rotten bunch of cilantro and putting the stems in the saag. Instead, we took a fascinating journey through her past as she talked about her stoves.

Kittee's childhood home, on Martingale Drive in McLean, VA, was the home of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, that ineffectual government entity so reviled by every president from Ike to Barack. Kittee had an idyllic childhood, romping across the lawns with her dog, Rosie, and the children of Reagan Attorney General Ed Meese and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

MoFo: Kittee, thank you so much for speaking with us.

Kittee: (Laughs.) It's my pleasure.

MoFo: Let's talk about your parents' Martingale Drive stove.

Kittee: I don't really remember much about it except it was electric. It had an oven on top and bottom. Each burner had a set of 5 buttons you'd push, from warm to high. All the houses on my street had the same set-up.
There was this stuff from the '80s, Hollywood Popcorn, that came in a packet with hydrogenated yellow fat on one side and the kernels on the other. You'd squeeze the hard fat into the pan, then dump the kernels in. It's like old-fashioned popcorn, with disgusting oil. It was kind of a lot of popcorn.

MoFo: Did the Scalias have the same 5-button heat control on their stove?

Kittee: The Scalias were not in my neighborhood. Sorry to burst your bubble. They didn't live in Greenway Heights.

MoFo: But the Scalias lived in McLean, right?

Kittee: I don't know. They went to my high school. They might have lived in Great Falls.

MoFo was embarrassed by this glaring historical error. So we moved on. Kittee once lived at a house without a front doorknob.

MoFo: How about the stove in the house without a front doorknob?

Kittee: Oh my god. Shit, I don't remember anything about that. I'm sorry. I lived in that house shortly after I went vegan. I remember I made stuffed cabbage with nooch gravy. I made it out of The Cookbook for People who Love Animals. That's a really old-school cookbook. I might have wung it a little bit.

I can tell you about the fridge. The house housed a million people. The produce drawer was mine. There was some nasty stuff in that fridge. I ended up moving out of that house after this couple who got food stamps moved in and brought meat in. The food stamps was what made them bring food into the house. I would come home from work and the place would just stink like meat.

The guy who owned the house used to wear a unitard and sell tuna sandwiches at the Grateful Dead. Then that house ended up going into foreclosure, a little while after I moved out.


  1. Always quirky fun over here. :)

  2. This is one of my favorite posts.

  3. Amazing, exclusive, investigative reporting. Great behind the scenes coverage.

  4. A truly unique insight into ... something. :)

  5. I want to know what MoFo had to do to get this interview with kittee.....

  6. Awesome. Can't wait to hear more. I'm currently looking at places to rent in pdx and what the heck is it with these electric stoves? How can I cook parathas on an electric stove ???

  7. What a fun stove tour!

    I have that cookbook still. I don't remember a thing I've made from it, but I love the attitude.

  8. This is like the "E! True MoFo Story!"

    A unitard? *shudders*

    I once lived in a house with no front doorknob! :-)

  9. Can you post about what the Scalia kids ate in the high school cafeteria? Did their dad write bitchy notes on their lunch bags?


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